Finding the time

Well, a lot of time has passed, and I wish I could say it was all well spent time. Unfortunately, my entire summer was spent being tested for various diseases, checking the strength of my heart and lungs, gynocological exams, mammograms, and everything else you can think of.I had a heart cateterization, breathing tests, and that was just the beginning. It seems to me that the medical profession just wants to make sure that I will take good care of the organ, not the other way around!
Still trying to get onto Medicare- I need to sign up for secondary insurance. I got my first bill today from Dialysis from May- I have to pay about $200 for the whole month of dialysis, but my primary insurance is paying over $18,000 for the 12 times I had dialysis in May. I can't imagine what people do who don't have insurance.
I've had a lot of depression in the past few months as well. I just feel like it's never going to happen. I know from all of my doctor's visits that I'm really healthy, but I still worry that something will happen before I get my transplant. I feel like I have to keep up a happy and optimistic face for everyone, because no one wants to see me in a depressed mood, but that is how I feel most of the time. Sad to say.
I have given up most of my extra curricular activities- no StageKidz, except for some work at home, no major extra clubs, or committments at school, and my schedule has gotten lighter as well. But now, I have nothing to do but think. I even got great cleaning ladies to clean my house. All he time I spent on weekends cleaning things up- I don't have to do that now. I think I need a hobby, but I find that I mostly want to be alone.Weird, since I gave up everything to spend time with my friends and family. I constantly push my daughter to go out with her friends; she loves her friends, and I don't want her to spend all of her time worrying about me, of all people. She needs to focus on herself.
More later.

The Road to Recovery

Well, after the news hit me, I immediately jumped head first into this highly medical endeavor. I started with dialysis- three times a week, 3 1/2 hours at a time. I go every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday- the fourth shift which is from 8pm-11:30pm. I figured this way, I could still make it to work, which I have done. The amount of doctor appointments I have is amazing though. Every time I go to have something checked in order for me to have a kidney/pancreas transplant, I find something else that is wrong- more surgery- oh get this taken out- more surgery- two more appointments It is making me crazy.
And what about my family? I"m so wrapped up in my own hell, I am not even helping my fourteen year old. And she really needs me now, but she doesn't want to let me know that- she thinks I have enough to think about! What kind of mother am I? I feel just awful. She is the sweetest child ever created, and she is worried about telling me she needs my help. That was a wake up call for me. I know I feel great now- hate doing all the appointments, but it is a must do in this situation; I just have to have time set aside to be with my child. And my husband of course, More later, Want to take a nap!

Entry 1

I found out about my kidney failure about 2 months ago. Even though I knew it was probably coming, and was one of my biggest fears, hearing the doctors say it is still shocking. I have been a diabetic since I was 14 months old- I am now 44, and have lived with my kidneys a good long time. About 15 years ago, a doctor told me that kidneys were starting to slow down, and gave me some medication to slow that process down. Well, after 15 years, they eventually stopped working. I was swollen for a few months, and didn't even realize how bad it was. I was tired.
All of the time. I felt like I could just sleep for days on end. And I did. I was depressed, and annoyed, and tired.
I am a ninth grade English teacher so my abilities at work were also straining on me. Papers to grade, assignments to create, and a newspaper to publish, I was overwhelmed. I also run a theater camp in Haddonfield, which in the winter runs every Saturday. and our summer camp is a five day- 6 week program, which is my financial stability in the summer. Needless to say, I am a very involved person, and take pride in what I do. My feelings of exhaustion were not helping me feel good about myself.
Then, late in March, I realized my blood was pounding in my ears. I could hear it. I (with encouragement from my good friend Gabrielle), had my blood pressure taken by the school nurse, and it was ridiculously high. I made an appt with my doctor, and had blood work done. And then I got the phone call. "Kim, you are in deep trouble. You are in kidney failure."